Creative Habits

Photo by Winsor & Newton

I’m starting to feel like myself again, little by little. Writing helps, as does painting. Having one of my best friends come and visit me from the U.S. for three weeks helped probably more than anything. I didn’t realize just how much pain I was in or how lonely I felt. I didn’t realize just how much grief needs to be witnessed in order to be processed. Simply having her here, in the midst of my life, seeing what I do and what I’ve created, was all that I needed to feel real again. Until someone who had known me for a long time came to witness my life, I didn’t really feel significant for a while. It was almost like I thought I disappeared too when my Dad passed away, and I wondered whether there was really anything left of me. I wondered what I could possibly contribute to the world from a state of being so broken.

I am still broken now, but I am taking a dose of my own medicine and beginning my creative habits again, one day at a time. By taking so much time away from them to grieve and to rest and to visit with people, I now see that writing, painting, and learning from animals are all forms of creative connection for me. When I went several weeks without them, I started to feel stagnant inside, like I was stuck. They are the practices that keep my creative ears clear, ready to listen to the natural currents of what is happening around me. They unblock me. They let the wind of reality flow through me. And importantly, they are my personal passions. They hold great significance for me as a person. That means that when I do them with daily devotion, I am more me, and when I don’t, I am less me.

All I can say for sure after 10 months of grief is that we all move through this world with great uncertainty and sometimes with great pain. The only thing that steadies us is being true to ourselves, and this is only achieved through daily practice of the things we love. And, of course, it always helps to have the understanding gaze of an old friend to remind us of who we really are.